Not Your Sweetie

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Bush Refuses To Pardon White House Turkey
Calls Ceremonial Bird 'Evil' By Andy Borowitz

In a break with a White House tradition going back several decades,
President Bush
refused to pardon the ceremonial White House turkey today until it
agreed
to disarm
itself unconditionally.

Onlookers appeared stunned as the President used the typically
light-hearted photo
op to deliver a dire warning to the turkey, whom Mr. Bush called "evil."

Fixing the turkey with his icy stare, Mr. Bush warned, "Give up your

arms, or face
the consequences."

Mr. Bush later told reporters that he was "a patient man," but that
his
ultimatum
to the White House turkey was a crucial part of his ongoing war against
what he
called "The Axis of Poultry."

But at the United Nations, Security Council members were openly
critical of the
President's call for the White House turkey to disarm.

"To our knowledge, the turkey has no arms," said Jean-David Levitte,

the French
ambassador to the U.N.

The crisis involving the White House turkey was occurring just as
Washington was
rocked with revelations that Attorney General John Ashcroft had detained
as
many as
20,000 turkeys this Thanksgiving in various coops and pens around the
country.

"We believe these birds have information, and we have ways to make
them
talk," Mr.
Ashcroft said in a brief statement.